12 Things Hollywood Can do to Thwart ICE

How Hollywood can save LA from ICE

Last Thursday was perhaps a turning point in the Battle of LA: The Dodgers turned back ICE. It was a glimmer of hope that California institutions can and will fight back. But what can Hollywood do? I’ve already heard a few interesting ideas on social media to delay, distract and defeat ICE in LA (someone suggested handing them all our screenplays - genius). Here are a dozen ideas to thwart (or thaw?) ICE and other cosplaying DHS goons the next time they swarm at a local Home Depot, Walmart, swap meet or farmers’ market:

1. Spartacus the crap out of these raids. Let’s swarm these sites with A-list talent to all declare, “I’m an immigrant!” And these don’t have to be real immigrants (Ryan Reynolds, Liam Neeson, Florence Pugh and Helen Mirren optional). Let’s throw in some legit American actors who’ve honed their foreign accents (Robert Downey, Jr., Meryl Streep, Gwyneth Paltrow, Kristin Stewart, Renée Zellweger for starters). Bonus? Hollywood’s version of “swatting” is to call in the paparazzi on these raids. As ICE rounds up a Gyllenhaal or a Chalamet, we’ll hear a crew from E! scream out, “Timothée, who are you wearing?!” It’ll guarantee these raids are top of the news cycle around the world.

2. Show up with publicists and a red velvet rope. Hire one of the big Hollywood PR companies (42 West? Rogers & Cowan PMK? Sunshine Sachs?) to bring its own cosplaying army of young, all-black-clad assistants named Kelly with iPads, clipboards, headsets and a ruthless attitude to tell ICE, “So sorry, you’re not on the list.”

   

3. Bring PAs, yellow signs and lockdowns. Nothing is more LA than confusing yellow signs with arrows in both directions pointing to a film set. Why not post baffling signs around ICE target locations? Post overworked, underpaid 20-year old production assistants from Indiana at every nearby intersection. They barely know their way around LA, much less how to use their walkie, but this is literally the only job they’ve had in a year. As ICE approaches, they should say loudly: “Locked down. Quiet please. We’re rolling.”

4. These PAs should also hand bright green gaiters and fully opaque green goggles to all the ICE agents and say, “We’re doing face replacement CGI. Put these on. The VFX supervisor says those black gaiters won’t cut it. And he worked on Andor! Unless your department has the budget to hire all these immigrants for rotoscoping, then wear green.”

5. If ICE makes it through the phalanx of PAs and publicists, then send a DGA 2nd Assistant Director and a SAG rep to confront them: “Sorry, where’s your SAG card? No one in the scene without a SAG card. That includes background talent. We’re not Taft-Harleying all of you!”

6. Since most of these cosplaying thugs have no identifying agency on their backs, then it’s free real estate. Insist on velcro-ing on ridiculous product placement signage. “Chik-fil-A®” “Four Seasons Total Landscaping” “RuPaul’s Drag Race” or go with a Hollywood twist and use a confusing melange of “HBO” “Max” “Warners” “Discovery” or just “Zaslav,” so they don’t know who their real allies are.

7. Give every raid an IMDb title and bad reviews on Rotten Tomatoes and Letterboxd. We know Trump hates bad reviews and ratings more than anything. And American audiences now only look to see what a production’s RT and Letterboxd scores are before making up their minds. So let’s start giving unique titles to every ICE raid (ie. ICE Ducks Dodgers or better yet, give sequel names like ICE at Home Depot 3, Electric Boogaloo.) List each incident on IMDb. Film critics? Your turn to get in on the act! Post bad reviews of each incident and get them aggregated on Rotten Tomatoes ("The ICE Raid at Hawthorne Lowes had all the mise-en-scène that we’ve come to expect from this production team, but none of the humor, pathos and shock that drove the earlier installments in the franchise. Don’t waste your time.” - RogerEbert.com) Nothing says failed national policy like a 22% Rotten RT score.

8. Send in the lawyers. Hollywood’s got thousands of entertainment lawyers idling their time in Century City. Put them to work. Send them to ICE raids to declare “habeas corpus!” “posse comitatus!” not to mention “force majeure!” and “droit morale!” Offer expedited O-1 visas for immigrants with “extraordinary and unique ability in the arts.” The lawyers need to explain that if their immigrant clients aren’t afforded favored nations amenities, gross corridor points, 50% likeness approval and two tickets to the premiere, they are walking. Now! And make sure these savvy entertainment lawyers send documents as PDFs rather than Word docs so they’re harder to redline. It will drive the Justice Department crazy.

9. Send in the Teamsters and Grips: Surround ICE raids with a circle of 10-ton grip trucks, gennies, and a phalanx of 3-banger Star Waggons. Force them to step over miles of green, black and red wires, trip over sandbags and walk around C-stands. Stock crafty tables with stale Nature Valley granola bars but run out of drinks. If that doesn’t work, order up a couple dozen Waymos to pick up talent (just don’t light them on fire - there’s no pyro in the budget).

10. Stage a musical number with flash mob. Just as homeland security agents converge, blast playback of the High School Musical 2 soundtrack. Arrange for Zac Efron, Vanessa Hudgens and Ashley Tisdale to pop out of Home Depot in full lip-syncing glory as hidden speakers blast What Time is It? Prechoreograph all immigrants, protestors and press to start dancing on cue. This soundtrack is an irresistible nostalgia bomb for every 20-something ICE agent or US Marine. Better still, arrange for a Miley Cyrus cameo! The US Army tried this kind of psyops on Panama’s Noriega in 1989 and it worked wonders.

11. Replace ICE with stunt performers. Sorry, ICE thugs, but since the Oscars are now recognizing stunts as a category, they’ve got new-found industry respect. So just as you’re getting ready to wrestle a 60-year-old docile fruit seller to the ground, we’ve got to replace you with union stunt performers dressed as “agents” (aka masked thugs). Hollywood’s costume and prop shops have what we need. Then the stunt performers can whisk immigrants away in studio-owned unmarked, plateless SUVs. Bring them back to the lot safe and sound.

12. You’ve heard of sanctuary cities. Why not sanctuary backlots?? Studio lots in LA have tighter security than Dodger stadium. Invite all vulnerable immigrants to live and work at the studios! Who wouldn’t want to be a tram driver at Universal, work as a key grip on the Sony lot, or eat at the Paramount commissary with Shari Redstone and David Ellison? This will also serve the purpose of training a new cohort of film workers in LA. With all these new eager workers stuck on the lots, the studios will have to start shooting on their own studios again, bringing much-needed productions back to LA!

These are just a few goofy ideas, but the point is Hollywood creatives need to start getting creative. After years of Covid, strikes and fires, if we want to get production up and running again, we’ve got to get ICE out of town, and get back to work. To quote from High School Musical, we’re all in this together!

[Note: This article is intended as satire, for entertainment purposes only. Definitely not incitement, if anyone asks. If I get arrested for it, I claim full First Amendment rights. Also, habeas corpus, posse comitatus, force majeure and droit morale just in case.]